I’ve blogged about this subject before while I was in Japan and questioning my purpose in life, but I’d like to revisit it here =) This time I was inspired by just having watched the movie Enchanted. Dad and I watched the special features where they went through the making-of for three segments of the movie. It was just so amazing, there is so much work and effort that goes into making movies. They have to plan it all out first so they know exactly what’s going to happen on set, get so many different departments working together and in sync, work with the actors, put in CG effects afterwords, it’s just crazy. Movie making must definitely be a product of evolution of the art. I just can’t imagine proposing all of the work and energy and number of people and resources needed for a movie, it’s insane. And studios put up the money and trust everyone to do it correctly and make it amazing. It’s just such a daunting task. At the same time, it looks like it’s a really cool, fun, creative environment to be working in. People are doing makeup and hair and costumes, constructing cool sets, dancing, playing music. If I were an actor in a movie like that I’d just totally geek out and have so much fun (although it does look like tons of work, and I’m terrible at acting!).
So I see something like this, and I think “I could get involved in movie making.” I’ve been raised in a society that tells me I can do anything I want to do and be anything I want to be, and I pretty much believe it. At this point, Nick and I aren’t going to be tied down to any location post-graduation until we choose one together. I could find some way to get involved in movie making and pursue that for the next few years. It would be cool and fun and creative. But lately, my reaction to every thought of every industry is that it is frivolous and not helpful enough to society. My mother recently quit making wedding and birthday cakes for a living and finished her nursing degree. She did it for a number of reasons,but the one she tells people most is “Making cakes just started to seem very frivolous.” That’s how I feel. I don’t want to do something frivolous just for my own enjoyment with no benefit to society.
Why do I feel this way? I definitely never used to. Over the years I’ve become more socially aware and concerned, but up until recently I still didn’t think this way. The thing that worried me most was finding my “passion.” I really wanted to find that one thing that I would pursue with my heart and soul. I knew I could do whatever I wanted but nothing was calling out to me, nothing seemed good enough or exciting enough. That was my big problem. Now I’m dismissing career ideas not because they’re not interesting or appealing enough (although I could probably dismiss most of them that way), but because they’re not good enough for the world. They don’t give back. Making a cute funny magical love story movie is great, and might entertain some people, and might inspire some people in some way, but that’s about it. Poor people can’t enjoy that, people being oppressed in countries that don’t respect human rights can’t enjoy that. It’s spending so much money and resources to create just another piece of media for consumption.
I’m not saying we should do away with media-making or consumption or any of that. I know it’s all important to the economy and provides jobs and people need entertainment. I think the way I’m feeling is this: There will always be people who want to pursue careers in media-making or other areas that only benefit the privileged and do not necessarily help those in need or better our world. I do not feel particularly compelled to pursue such a career, and I do feel compelled to help those in need and better the world. Because I am aware of this need, I should therefore pursue helping those in need and bettering the world. It’s almost like, because I’m conscious of my effect on the world and the power I could harness for good, I am responsible to use my work for the good of the world. I could probably just teach myself to ignore that feeling and go back to how I used to be, and live only for my own happiness and success, but I don’t think that I want to. Some people are content to just live live and survive and try to make happiness for themselves. My gut says I cannot be content with that, and so I feel I must try and use myself for a greater cause.
Now the big question is how. There are many ways to help others and help the world. I can volunteer of course, and donate money, but I have to support myself as well. I think the frustrating part is my conception of my own power. It sounds silly or self-righteous to talk about it, but I feel like every person holds a lot of power. So many important things are just started by one person. People invent amazing things to help society, people write inspiring books or scripts, government leaders make world-altering decisions, on a smaller but still powerful scale people utilize the internet, blogging, YouTube, etc. to spread their messages. I might just be one person, but you’re reading this post. I have a website I made with my boyfriend and I’m working on two more. I can do so many things. Before, I think if I realized I had power I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. I think I’m still unsure of what message I’m trying to spread, but I’m at least on a better track. Social awareness, helping others, protecting the environment. Things like that.
The problem is that everything seems too small. Sure I could create or work for some local organization wherever I end up living, or something like that. Or start some kind of website. I just worry that I won’t be doing as much good as I can. I don’t want to get bogged down and stuck and waste my potential. I’m terrible at math and science, so going into any career like that to help others has never really been an option. For me, my future lies more in the areas of changing hearts and minds, reaching out to people through media of some sort. That’s the only way I can really see it happening. But what? How exactly? Do I even have a goal? My mantra for the dream job is something that lets me be creative and help people. I just wonder what that job could be.
I guess what I’m basically saying here is that it’s frustrating. There are a million jobs and industries out there that seem fun and interesting, but fun and interesting isn’t good enough. It’s just wearing my heart out a little bit to have that automatic reaction to everything I see now. Everything has become frivolous, unnecessary, almost harmful by its existence. Every purchase is questionable. Every activity is difficult to justify. Only by using my power to its greatest potential for helping others can I justify my existence in this world and birth into privilege. I feel like people will tell me to just relax and enjoy the life I’ve been blessed with. I could, but if we all do that then the world will just keep on being a terrible place for so many people, and it will be terrible for us in some ways eventually. Even though it’s mentally exhausting, shouldn’t I pursue the greater good?
Of course it’s going to be an uncomfortable and exhausting train of thought at first. I’ve lived my whole life without caring what I do or where anything comes from or what impact I have on the world or who else is in it. To suddenly change that is going to feel weird and annoying and bad. The worst part is this feeling of entrapment that I get. The feeling that I’m trapped in a society of consumerism, where there are very few options and the rules of society pretty much have to be followed. Sure, I could become a hermit and live off the land or whatever, choosing not to interact with society, but I think I could do a lot more good by consuming, yes, but having an active role in society and influencing others. I also feel trapped by uncertainty. Is it better to save a tree and landfill space by using cloth napkins or save water by using paper? Is it better not to consume and make waste, or to fuel the economy by consuming? How can I pioneer for alternative energy sources and clean coal when my father is a coal miner and I know the effects it would have on his job and the jobs of others in my area? What is the greatest good? What should I be pursuing? What cause is most worth my power and time and energy as a human being? Is it really worth being so utilitarian about or should I just go work a darned soup kitchen on the weekends and say I’m doing the best I can?
I’m told that this idealism fades out when reality sets in as an adult. I don’t know if I should hope it doesn’t or not. As of right now I don’t see any reason why my career shouldn’t be something that works towards the greater good rather than anything else. Maybe it will end up being location or money or something stupid like that. Maybe my town won’t even have recycling facilities. Maybe I’ll have a kid early in my marriage and everything will just go out the window and I’ll be happy to get by from day to day. It just makes me very unhappy to think that that’s how it would all end up. And that’s what makes me think I need to figure it all out soon and get on the right track early on.
I drew a picture the other night that sort of sums up these feelings. I’m sitting, holding the earth in my hands, trying to figure out how I can fix it. My muse has come along, and extends a hand out to me. He wants me to go away with him to a world of creativity and beauty and indulgence and happiness. A world of the stories of individual people who are colorful and interesting with rich stories to tell, of specific places that are wonderful and mysterious, of music and photographs and multicolored skies, a world of contentment with a wonderful husband and cooking and crafts and children and grandchildren, a world of enjoying the tiniest moments of this life and living it “to the fullest.” But if I go with him, if I go to this wonderful world, then who will save the rest of the world? The muse doesn’t visit everyone. The homeless man on the corner can only sit in his world of no food, no home, no family, no future. The prisoner in North Korea can only sit in his world of inhumanity, starvation, and hopelessness. If the rest of us continue along our path, we’ll be woken from our dream worlds to live in a world of inconvenience, of sacrifice, of rising sea levels and gas prices, of conscious lifestyle choices becoming responsibilities becoming requirements. If everyone followed the muse, who would be left to care for the world? Am I willing to make that sacrifice? Can anyone truly be happy rejecting their muse? Should such happiness necessarily be entitled or pursued? Once I am cut off, exactly how am I to save that world in my hands? Is there any way to make the muse work for me and my goals instead of letting him simply sweep me away without a care?
I wonder if I’m setting myself up for a life of either guilt or frustration with this philosophy. I think I need more prayer in my life.
